Spiritual Fruitflies

So I have this big, glass bowl on my counter in my kitchen.

It’s the bowl I use to put fruit in.

Sometimes I put a whole lot of fruit in, and for whatever reason, we don’t get to it as quickly as I anticipate.

But I’m never the first to notice when it’s been in there a little too long. And it’s not the fruit that I notice first.

It’s the gnats.

First it’s one or two, then the next thing I know I can’t have a cup of coffee or glass of wine for fear of ambush.

And by then, the war has begun.

There are vinegar traps on the counters, and weaponry such as rolled-up newspaper is required to pass through the kitchen.

Now, I’m told this is because “nobody knows where they’re coming from”, but I don’t really believe that’s true.

Although, To be fair, I suppose that may be the case some percentage of the time.

No, this is because nobody wants to pick up the fruit that LOOKS perfectly fine, and see that it’s runny, and mushy, and nasty underneath.

Because once they do that, they have to deal with it. And wash out the bowl. And quite honestly, that’s work. And sometimes it smells bad.

My spiritual fruit flies are questions- “nagging gnats” if you will.

Things like:

What does living my faith every day really mean?

What does living in service to others mean?

What is this feeling inside me that there’s something bigger, and what do I do with it?

Do I have pain keeping me from growing spiritually?

Is my pain keeping others from growing spiritually?

What are the messages I’m giving my kids about religion and spirituality?

What is the role of community in my life?

What is my role in community?

Community. Let me diverge and Let’s talk our community for just a second.

On my first visit to UFL I called the place a “church”.

As some of you who have been here for a while can imagine, I was immediately corrected.

Ooohhhhh, this is not a church, this is a Fellowship. “we” don’t call it that.

This didn’t just happen once.

After some time here, I felt comfortable enough asserting myself to respond that to ME, this IS a church, and I will call it such. (Yes, there was a time when I was quiet about this type of thing!)

Oh. My. Gawd.

This group is made up of some of the most open minded, accepting, intelligent, caring, and loving people I have ever met; there are Christians who count among our membership- yet  somehow, I still find myself frequently called to explain that this is my spiritual home and I find meaning in the word, so that’s why I use it. That’s frustrating to me.

Guess what? We have fruit flies.

In one of the offices where I recently worked, we had- without fail- a little, flying, black bug problem every spring.  This is what it was called. Emails went out about the “little flying black bugs”.  If we called them gnats, there was without fail someone with expert level flying-bug knowledge working for us who was more than happy to let us know what the  “LFBB”s should actually be called. I don’t remember all of the names, but they weren’t “gnat” or “fruit fly” and they weren’t ever the same.  

There were traps set, there were rules about food and trash. We dealt with the issue all spring and summer and most of the fall and then the problem would just kind of go away, and everybody would forget about it until the next spring.

Of course, the next spring would come, and we would start seeing one or two little flying black bugs. And then there were more. And soon there were more and more. Despite the rules. Despite the traps.

This happened for years. Until one year when someone realized that the LFBBs seemed to be coming from the plants that so many people had on their desks and in their offices.- not just any plants; the ones that management had given to everyone when we moved into the space. See, most were still in the same small pot and sterile potting soil they had been in when they were purchased- they hadn’t grown or really been fed at all. They were stagnant.  Apparently LFBBs LOOOOVE that kind of environment, especially when their eggs hatch in the spring.

And so the final rule was made. Take your plants home. And everybody did. Not all at once, but eventually there were no more plants in the office.

And the flying black bugs slowly disappeared. I have a sneaking suspicion that really what happened is that they dispersed into homes throughout the Lawrence, KC, and Topeka areas. Maybe some got taken care of, maybe some didn’t. … but I have to say that I really missed the plants.  I personally wish we could have had a repotting party in the parking lot, so we could have given everyone fresh, fertile soil. Not to mention, we wouldn’t have just been dispersing the problem.

But back to my “nagging gnats”.

While the questions I have are incredibly personal questions, it’s recently come to my attention that they are not necessarily questions that I can or should answer on my own.

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve given my “UU elevator speech” over the past few weeks.  Now, I’ve used the term “elevator speech” just about as many times and have received some interesting looks. (some similar to asparagus growing out of my head)

An “elevator speech” is a speech that you can give about a topic in the time that you are in an elevator with someone. I am told that at one time they were 30-45 seconds long, but I can’t remember the last time I was on an elevator ride that took that long. 10-15 seconds is what you have now.

 I borrowed heavily from Rev. Scott McNeil to create my UU elevator speech- and I’d like to share it with you now.

We are a religion born out of liberal Christianity that believes that everybody takes their own path to get to their capital “T” Truth, but it’s better and more fun if we do it together.

So what’s my point?

These are heavy questions! These are Really HARD questions that don’t have easy answers. In fact, they maybe don’t have answers at all.

But if we’re all on this journey together, and helping each other check for fruit flies, or LFBBs- that is, at least ASKING the hard questions, and hanging in there together to see where the search for the answers may lead; then to me I think we’re on the right path.

That fruit bowl on my counter never stays empty. And inevitably there are more fruit flies.  Because getting rid of them last time didn’t get rid of all fruit flies for all time.

But now I try to pay more attention when they start to show up.

Because nobody likes fruit flies in their drinks.

We can do this.

May it be so.

 originally delivered at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrence, August 2012

Kansas Leadership Center- Thoughts About My Experience

On September 19, 2012, I was asked to speak to the Lawrence Downtown Clergy group about my experience at the Kansas Leadership Center. These are the thoughts I wrote in preparation for that meeting.

When I went to KLC in August, I will be honest. I was frustrated and disillusioned with Kansas. I was seeing a polarization of political parties that was happening across the nation, particularly clear in Kansas, and it seemed to be clear among religious lines as well. Kansas seemed to be held up nationally as an example of what’s going wrong, and continually presented as a state of backward-thinkers.

I was born in Emporia, my grandparents were from Newton and Hillsbro, my entire family attended KU. But I rarely spoke about any of this in public. Being a Kansan was not something to be proud of.

What I saw when I got to Wichita was this:

People were truly interested in sharing and learning about other beliefs. Not with the intent of conversion, but with the intent of finding commonalities, the intent to understand.

As we went around the room of nearly 80 attendees and shared the problems we saw in our communities, it became clear that our problems were not exclusive to one or two communities, or concerns for only one or two faith groups.

And then we talked about what we were already doing in our communities. And it became clear that there are already people who are making a difference about things that we care about.

I found that we may use different words to describe the reasons for why we do what we do in our communities- some used the words “for the Glory of God”, some said they were doing “what Jesus would do”. Others just said they were doing the right thing, because they had been there, or had had the issue touch their lives in some way. But each person cared deeply about what they were doing and wanted to do more, wanted to make more of a difference.

I’m a Unitarian Universalist, and I learned some things about Unitarians in other cities that I didn’t even know. On our 3-mile run/walk the second morning, I learned from some Mennonites that the best sledding hill in Manhattan is behind the Unitarian Church, and that there are sledding parties when it snows- which has been unfortunately rare lately.

Before I attended KLC, I was someone who said I was from Lawrence- that island of sanity in Kansas. I don’t say that anymore. It’s clear to me now that there are people all over Kansas who care and are making a difference, and we’re all in this together.

I would love to see the people of KLC come here to lead a Leadership and Faith program. Lawrence is ready for this. We are already doing great things in our community, and bringing together the people of our congregations to use a common language and learn how to take things to the next level could have truly amazing results.  When Allie told me that she was going to be speaking here today, I was so excited, I did a happy dance in my living room. And that was before she asked me to share my experience!

The other thing that was clear to me when I was in Wichita was that the people of KLC truly love what they do. These are not people who do it because it’s a job, or because it’s something that they are particularly trained in. I don’t think that it’s easy for them, and I would venture to guess that they learn quite a bit each session as well as the attendees.  Their passion truly shows.

It’s hard to put into my KLC experience into words, and when I talk with the rest of the people on my team who attended with me, they also have difficulty doing so. But there are things we are able to express. The experience has been transformative. And if you care about Kansas and your community, drop everything and go to the KLC. You won’t regret it.

Caring for the Soul Using Polytheism

Delivered at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrence on 8.05.12

Opening:

Somehow I feel like there’s this illusion that life is or should be clean and simple. That when we get ourselves into knots and situations, they are something to be gotten out of. Something to get through, and learn how to not ever get into again.

I don’t claim to be an expert on life but what I can tell you from my own experience is that life is not clean. It’s messy. And I don’t know about you, but anytime I think I’m through one knot, another one presents itself. So maybe it’s not about “getting through this”- whatever “this” is at the time- after all.  The fact is, “this” IS. Now, what am I going to do about how I handle it, so that I can energize, rather than drain, my soul? How can I learn to not try to get through the storm, but to dance in the rain?

One Wednesday in March, I had a rough morning. There were the usual arguments and getting everyone fed and lunches packed and off to school, and I had an important meeting first thing. Everyone was stressed, but I had my coffee so all was well enough.

Less than three hours later I was in the HR office being told that I no longer had a job, and because of the position I held, I was placed on administrative leave effective immediately. Please leave the premises NOW.  No, I may not go back to my office, and I may not speak to anybody before I leave.

I straightened my back and held my head high as I signed that paper. “You are absolutely correct. My values no longer correspond with the way operations are run here. I wish you luck”, I said. And I left, knowing I was much better off.

…Is what I would like to say happened.  What really happened is that I felt the weight of the world that had been on my shoulders- the responsibility of bringing in a paycheck and carrying health insurance, life insurance, retirement; the fact that I truly cared for my staff and didn’t just do my job because it was a job; the fact that we were out of peanut butter, and that my daughter won’t eat sandwiches anymore but also didn’t like anything else I ever got for lunches; the fact that there was always too much month left at the end of the money; the fact that I have been defined by what I do for so much of my life and when I’m not defined by that I don’t know who I am- I felt the full weight of all of it. At. That. Moment.

I cried. I don’t just mean tears running down my cheeks in a sweet kind of way. I mean I cried in a messy, bawly, tears streaming kind of way. I couldn’t stop them, and the more I tried, the harder I cried, and the angrier I was at myself for crying. They sent someone to my office to get my purse and jacket. I collected myself enough to leave the building. I felt absolutely empty.

The advice that I got from people over the days and weeks after that generally followed the same theme.

Take some time to focus on yourself.

How do I do that? They don’t teach that in school. I grew up what they call “unchurched”- I didn’t attend church regularly and wasn’t raised within a structured religion, but even if I had, from what I have learned it seems that the most they really teach in most religions is that the object of worship is outside of you. Put faith in that and you’ll feel better. They don’t teach you how. Just do it.

So the few people that I did ask “how do I do that?” had some interesting answers. Of course, I got the ones I expected- meditate, reflect, read. But the ones I found interesting were the ones that seemed almost eye-rollingly shallow when they were first suggested:
“Put on some lipstick.”
“Find an outfit that looks Fabulous on you”
“Go get your hair done, get a Mani/pedi”.  (I had to ask about this so if you’re like me and didn’t know- A mani/pedi is a manicure and pedicure. )

These suggestions seemed to be pretty, well, like I said- shallow. They may give a temporary ego or self-confidence boost, but other than that, what’s the point? I am not someone who is into makeup or fashion and I’ve NEVER had a pedicure.

But I got this advice over. And over. From really intelligent people that I respected. And not just women. So once I stopped pouting about the emptiness I was feeling, I looked past the actions that were being suggested and at what the intent and meaning may be.

Usually when we put on makeup, wear fabulous outfits, and get mani/pedi’s, there is a big event or a celebration. In theory these times would be filled with excitement and hope. The people giving me this advice were giving it to me because those are the feelings that following those actions would evoke for them.

Ahhh. This is part of ritual. I understand ritual.

Ritual is something that we, as humans, need.

David Frawley, in the text from which our first reading was excerpted, says:

Since prehistoric times, ritual has been perhaps the most important

human activity.  Throughout the world there has existed an ancient and

ongoing tradition of sacred action performed with the aim of improving

not only our condition in the universe, but the condition of the

universe itself.

He goes on to say that:

        Indeed, the further back we look, the more we examine traditional

and indigenous cultures, the more we find that human life has been

primarily a ritual or set of sacred actions.  Whether we consider the

aborigines of Australia, the Native Americans, the ancient Hindus and

Egyptians, or… [Europeans]…, we find a world-wide

preoccupation with ritual action that cuts across all races,

religions, and cultures. We could even say that human culture is

primarily a culture of ritual.

We have community rituals, family rituals, and individual rituals.

We teach rituals to our kids.

But Rituals are not necessarily about the actions themselves, but about the feelings and state of mind that are evoked. Thomas Moore sums it up nicely by saying “In church people do not eat bread in order to feed their bodies but to nourish their souls”.

Here’s the thing. We WILL find ritual, and if we’re not careful we can be drawn to “junk food”. Drugs. Eating disorders. Violence. Abuse. Cults. Obsessions.

So how do I focus on myself by working soulfulness into daily life, without falling into dysfunctional ritual?

Naturally, I turned to the great Taoist, Winnie the Pooh.

In Laura Driscoll's The Search for Tigger's Bounce , Tigger is feeling down, moody, and his tail is drooping. Pooh asks why, and Tigger says, “I think I’ve lost my bounce!”  He can recall when he last bounced and that he doesn't feel like bouncing now, but he doesn't know why. Tigger realizes that his bounce has gone away, and that it went away so suddenly he didn't know where he lost it. Eeyore, Piglet, Roo and Pooh set off to help Tigger find his bounce.

I won’t spoil the story for you if you haven’t read it, and if the library doesn’t have it, I’m sure they can get it for you.

My point is that we teach children to personify their feelings and experiences in stories and characters. And just as the ancients did, we personify energies that are not understood in order to explain them.

The book Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore gave me the piece I felt like I was missing. Throughout the book, Moore teaches through myth, but there is one part where he used a particular word and it gave me a new way of looking at how to begin.

Polytheism.

 I will admit, until reading this book I had thought of polytheism the way I was taught about the Greek gods in elementary school- That they were all sitting in the sky playing chess with humans as the pieces; the “multi” equivalent to the big guy in the sky with the beard and the “smite” button.

Moore calls the version he talks about “psychological polytheism”. He draws from those ancient myths and stories and uses them as a way to identify aspects of an individual psyche.  This helps us to understand and appreciate the sheer complexity of the soul. If we look at different aspects of ourselves from a polytheistic point of view, we can also see how acceptance and flexibility are so vital to the soul. “The gods and goddesses of Greek mythology may fight”, as Moore says, ”but they recognize each other’s validity”.

Moore suggests that the model is a psychological rather than religious model. “Stated simply, it means that psychologically we have many different claims made on us from a deep place. It is not possible, nor is it desirable, to get all of these impulses together under a single focus. Rather than strive for unity of personality, the idea of polytheism suggests living within multiplicity.”

This works for me, and it makes sense.

Hera is a pretty well- known example to use here. She’s notorious for her jealous rages, but who wouldn’t be jealous married to a guy like Zeus? Hera’s jealousy keeps Zeus in check (to some extent), her jealousy is protective of the home.

But it’s not enough for this to be a purely psychological exercise. I can almost imagine this “psychological polytheism” as a group therapy session taking place in my head.

Polytheism today is a reverence for everyday life. It’s seeing the magical in everything.

And how do I do that? How do I work reverence and sacred into everyday life?

I figured that ancient rituals were a good enough place to start, since that’s what ancient polytheists did. I came across some fascinating ones...

For instance, one where they would go into nature and find a clearing, and lay out a cloth. They would then put out offerings of food they had brought along with them. They would then spend hours dancing, playing and consuming the food.

I believe today we call this a picnic.

Caring for the soul doesn’t have to be mysterious.

It turns out we really don’t have to go very far, or make too many changes. If we focus more on fact that some actions might speak to the soul without having much outward effect on life, maybe we can give a little more to the soul daily. Dinner becomes a ritual because of how it’s presented. Ice cream before bed becomes a ritual when certain bowls are used, and stories are told.

Many who practice Earth-based spirituality honor the God and the Goddess by preserving the planet. Many people practice dietary restrictions based upon religious or moral values. The common theme is an understanding that the individual soul is inseparable from the world’s soul. Now, I don’t believe that anyone is an expert enough on the soul to be able to speak authoritatively on the subject, but I do know that we are all recycled stardust.  I think Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson said it best when he said:

So that when I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the Universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up – many people feel small because they’re small and the Universe is big – but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars.

So once you understand this, that everything is worthy of worship, then take it another step and remember that we are all stardust. You, me, the trees, the Earth. So all that is worthy of worship out here, is also within. Not only is the world, is life, worthy of your worship, is it able to give you strength beyond what you thought possible… but it is also within you.  You. You have the strength to heal; to heal yourself, to ease pain in this aching world. And you are worthy of every bit of worship and gratitude that you bestow upon yourself by doing so.

Closing:

When I was writing this sermon, my daughter asked what it was about. I gave her the quick run-down: blah blah blah, ritual, blah blah blah, myth, blah blah blah, stardust… and she says “so find your passion and work it into your everyday life?”.

Yeah. That’s pretty much it.

May Peace be with you.

Free Your Secrets and Become Who You Are

Opening words:

The world gets smaller every day thanks to the internet, and more and more people are finding ways to connect with each other. Today Aileen and I will introduce you to two websites that we have found to be particularly meaningful in our lives.

In February, Frank Warren gave a TED talk about his project, PostSecret. For those who are not familiar with TED, T-E-D stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, and it’s a non-profit devoted to ideas worth spreading. There’s a lot more information online, and I believe we have or had a Wednesday night class that views and discusses TED talks.

Frank does such a good job talking about postsecret and the different ways that it’s touched people, that rather than summarize it, I’m going to show you the talk.

(accompanying powerpoint)

"Free Your Secrets and Become Who You Are"

View more PowerPoint from Heather Coffman

This started as a project. It evolved- people saw a piece of themselves in the secrets that others sent in. they could relate to these secrets that people had hidden, and suddenly they were no longer alone. In many cases they write, email, send facebook messages, or tweet to Frank about the secrets and he posts these on the site.

-----Email-----

Frank,

This past Friday night I found myself in a black hole of depression and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the night. Not knowing where to turn and feeling like I couldn't stop. I remembered seeing the Hopeline phone number in the front of your book. I talked with someone there for 2 and a half hours and I truly feel that they saved my life.

Thank you for the book, thank Hopeline for being there, and thank the people that send in their postcards so that others know they are not alone with their secrets.
 
-Casie (with permission)

Frank says that he Lost a friend and a family member to suicide, and also says that it’s not uncommon for him to receive secrets about self-harm, or suicide. He says that ”in some ways, I feel like suicide is Americas secret, it’s a secret that we keep from ourselves.”

One of the inspirational things that has happened is that the postsecret community has crowdsourced (that is, created by the members of the community) the most complete and comprehensive online directory of suicide prevention hotilines and textlines in the world. The Postsecret blog Also has led to the creation of online community- support communities and sub-communities of addiction and recovery, where members share concerns, struggles and triumphs with addiction and recovery; of mental health for open discussion of psychological conditions;  and secrets of spirituality where members share secrets about “religion, faith, or the lack thereof”, To name a few.

These communities did not start from a desire for profit or business, they started from the very basic need for connection to another person, something that is clearly lacking in our average day-to-day life.

What I’ve found really interesting is that some of these are really deep secrets, and I wonder what it is about sharing something anonymously with strangers that can ease a burden. I find myself people-watching wondering what secrets people have that they would share with a stranger, but don’t feel they can share with their closest friends.  What secrets do you have that you would share with a stranger? I know I’m more aware of mine.

I guess it’s kind of like confession without having to speak the words. I wonder if there’s an ease to sharing when you don’t have to receive the reaction- there’s no fear of judgment. Just the need to be heard. Not even understood, just heard.

This one says “I look up random teen ‘in memorial’ groups on facebook… because it comforts me to know that other people are mourning a friend too.”

“When my boss starts his ramblings I always imagine I am shooting angry birds at his forehead.”

Look around. Any of the people in this room could have sent in any of these secrets. Everyone has secrets- secrets they keep from themselves, secrets they keep from others. 
What secrets are you keeping from yourself?

Frank says he carries his favorite secret with him. It is written on a dollar bill and reads- “We are all part of something bigger, and we are all part of it together”.  That’s pretty close to my “what I believe elevator speech”.

So now Frank travels and does appearances. He quit his job and spends 50 hours a week on Postsecret. The community comes together at these appearances- the community that was created and created itself around the organic need to not be alone. I’ll end with one of his tour videos:

(tour vid)

originally delivered on 5.20.2012 at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrence

Detachment

For longer than I care to admit, Buddhism seemed to me like a somewhat depressing religion. Life is suffering, and unless you can train your mind to not hold on to any sort of attachments, and learn accept the whole of everything as it is, suffering is all there is.

As I learned more about it, I began to feel more of a draw to Buddhism because the reverence for life, commitment to non-violence -and at some level the idea of karma- fit well with some of the Pagan beliefs that had become meaningful in my life. On top of that, seated meditation looked so peaceful, and the idea of feeling a certain peace rather than a constant barrage of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and inner dialogue sounded like the magic cure for all unhappiness. The idea that this could come from a belief that began with “life is suffering” fascinated me.

Indeed, the first of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism is the Truth of suffering, or that suffering exists. The interesting thing is, those are translations, and the English language doesn’t always have words to describe concepts for which most Westerners have no cultural reference.  This is the case with the word “suffering” in the Noble Truths. The Sanskrit and Pali term used is Dukkha, which has no single equivalent in English. The most commonly used of course is “suffering”, but other corresponding English words are: uneasy, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, stress, and frustration. Once I learned that, I had to agree, suffering is everywhere. Dukkha happens.

Meditation seems easy enough, right? You just sit there and allow thoughts to come and go. It’s the practice that teaches calming of the mind, and it is the ultimate in “don’t judge a book by its cover” examples. It may look like peaceful sitting, but if you haven’t tried it, let me tell you- It’s HARD! No matter what I’m sitting on, my legs ache, my back gets sore, and it’s the only time that I ever think that maybe I might need a little more “junk in my trunk”.

And that’s just the physical aspect- the real work is going on inside. Buddhists often compare the mind to a monkey- constantly chattering and hopping around from branch to branch, topic to topic- sometimes completely zoning out and at others obsessing over this or that. Meditation calms the monkey mind by making it one-pointed rather than scattered and distracted. This comparison really helped me understand the need for meditation… but I have to say that trying to tame my mind still feels a little bit like trying to dress a cat.

This is not to say that I have not had moments of inner peace; however, in order to recognize them, I needed to really think about what inner peace might even feel like. At one time I thought that feeling inner peace meant the ability to block out the rest of the world- all of the activity and chaos and the extremes of pain and pleasure. That experiencing peace meant separation from the rest of the world in some way.

But I’ve come to realize that peace can be felt at any time- it’s more about being fully present in the moment; not thinking about that presentation coming up, or that project deadline that just slipped by, or what to make for dinner… but for just a few moments absorbing the smell of the breeze after it rains, or noticing the hundreds of shades of purple in the sky at twilight, or allowing the joy of time with a loved one to draw tears.

It’s about accepting this life and all of its aspects as life. The ideas of “good” and “bad” become far too subjective to be of any practical use. In other words, things aren’t intrinsically good or bad, those are judgments based on perspective. Immediately following the attacks of 9/11, I received numerous emails containing stories of people who should have been at work in one of the towers that morning, but because they missed the train, or couldn’t find an important paper, or because one of the kids couldn’t seem to get his shoes tied- they weren’t at the office when the planes struck. Any other day, those delays might have been contributed to a “bad” morning.

 I have a digital postcard that helps me put things into perspective. It’s a picture of a boy sitting atop a pile of books. The message says “whenever work starts to feel overwhelming, just remember that you’re going to die.” I attempted one day to share this idea with a co-worker, and the reaction was certainly not one of feeling comfort. She said it sounded so depressing. So I put some different words around the idea- “whatever happens today, whatever you don’t get done, or whatever doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped, nuclear subs are not sinking because of it.” This gave her the perspective she needed to “stop sweating the small stuff”, and to realize that it’s pretty much all small stuff.

Buddha’s stories teach that change is the nature of everything and is one of the few indisputable constants in life. By definition it is movement from the known to the unknown, and as humans, we tend to fear the unknown, making us resistant. but the fact is that change will happen no matter what we do- Buddhist stories teach that accepting this is key on the path to enlightenment.

The biggest struggle I have with allowing change is that sometimes- ok often- I think that I like things the way they are. I’m fine with change, as long as things mostly stay the same. Turns out Buddha had a suggestion of how to deal with that, too.

Let go of this idea that anything ever even mostly stays the same. Everything changes, sometimes in ways that are visible, sometimes in ways that are not. Everything changes, and because everything is interconnected, I will change and I will be changed.

Letting go is also an idea that I misunderstood for some time. I interpreted this idea of detachment as a disconnection, or somewhat of a creation of numbness. But what I’ve found is that detachment can allow for more moments of peace. I’m more able to be fully present when I’m not attached to expectations of what the next moment may or may not bring. I’m more able to adapt to change if I’m not tied judgments about if the change is good or bad. I’m happier when I don’t dwell on the misfortunes of the past. I’ve been able to calm myself from nearly overwhelming emotions by letting go of the emotions, seeing them as part of me for the moment, but not defining who I am. When I do this, I’m able to allow myself to be amazed that my mind is capable of creating such intense experiences. It’s not easy, but just trying seems to help suck the momentum from some of the emotional thrill rides of a high-stress job, two kids, and life in general. Detachment is knowing when to let go.  

 Originally delivered 5.2011 at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrence

The Power of Prayer

When Jonathan and I were planning this service, we sent a flurry of text messages back and forth to each other exploring different aspects of the idea of “prayer”.  Somewhere in the midst of this, one of the members of my household required a trip to the emergency room (don’t worry, everyone’s fine). I texted Jonathan to let him know, and make sure he was taking care of getting our summary to the newsletter and the website.  He replied that he was, and that, “no pun intended” he was “praying for me”.

His words did not evoke an intellectual response like “oh? And to whom are you praying? What exactly do you expect he/she/it to do for me?”, but rather- as one would probably expect- an emotional response-  I found his words to be an expression of comfort and support.  No more needed to be said, other than my “thank you”.

This time of year- a time traditionally of prayer and Thanksgiving, has many asking: what DOES prayer mean to Unitarian Universalists, who tend to ask “to whom are you praying, and what exactly do you expect he/she/it to do?”  Does prayer have any place in UU Spirituality, and what, if any, power does it hold?

I love words. Words paint pictures, words evoke emotion- words can make you laugh or make you cry. Words have power. And finding just the right word or combination of words to create a mood, or provoke a reaction or evoke a specific response when conveying a message can feel like an accomplishment beyond all others.

On the other end of the spectrum, words can become a source of pain or frustration, with how they are used and their deeply held meanings- as Jonathan mentioned earlier. They can also be overused. Settled couples know this well- “Love you” becomes a standard farewell, almost meaning “see you later”.

·         “Honey, I’m running to the store to grab some milk”

·         “alright, hon, love you!”

·         “Going to bed now”

·         “ok, good night kids, love you”

·         (you get the idea)

“I’m praying for you” seems to have in some ways, joined in with those phrases that are said but not really thought about, like “love you”, “bless you”,  “let’s do lunch”,  … We all know what they mean, but little thought is given before they are spoken.  It’s somehow more of an acknowledgement than a true meaningful connection- “I’m going through a really hard time right now” “ooh, so sorry to hear that. I’ll be praying for you”. Aw, thanks. I feel loved.

Yet, somehow when Jonathan had told me he was praying for me, it had meant something. Why?

When we started to explore this topic, Rev. Jill sent Jonathan and me a list of resources and references, from blog postings, to articles,  to other sermons. I confirmed in a phone call yesterday that when she sent this, she knew very well that I would be thinking “Get out of your head, Jill!” This was WAY too much head stuff!

Up to that point I had pretty much thought that prayers were merely words designed to evoke a particular response, or convey a particular message. If that were true, then why were Jonathan’s words as I sat in the ER more meaningful than say “random co-worker”?

What makes a prayer spiritual?

Does it matter to whom the prayer is directed? Do I really NEED an expectation of what he/she/it might be able to do? Is there really any documented scientific evidence of the power of prayer? Does prayer affect energy? Is it the words used? Does it need to be spoken aloud? Does it have to be a prayer or does meditation count? Does a prayer have to be meaningful or can it be a wish? If it is a wish, does that make it any less meaningful? Does it matter who delivers the prayer?

 I could almost hear Jill:

Get out of your head, Heather.

So I sat and meditated- dare I say prayed?- about it, and I decided that for me, trying to define prayer is trying to define the undefinable.

 Prayer is communication from the soul. It is primal.  It is the reaching out of one soul to another, the deepest expression of the soul- in pain, in desperation, in gratitude, in empathy, in joy.  To some extent it’s the exposing of raw emotion.

It can be an expression of reaching outside of oneself, acknowledging that there is something bigger than the individual- to some that is God, other’s it’s a unity of consciousness.

I’m feeling that the emotional place where we are when pray is such a deep and primal place, so unique to the individual experience that by its nature others cannot share that. But that does not mean that you need to be alone. The ability to offer a prayer is to offer a possibility. A possibility for a change, a possibility to be heard, a possibility for a celebration. Prayer is the ultimate message in a bottle- recipient unknown and unimportant. I’m baring my soul. Find me. Connect.

When we pray for another, quite often we could have no way to know what they are feeling. Yes, we may have some idea based on our experiences, but we cannot really KNOW. Our prayers for others are our attempts to let them know that they are not alone.

Each fall I see the Prayer for Schoolchildren who feel different by Rev. Meg Riley make its rounds in

various ways.

For those who are different, or who feel different—

Who learn differently, think differently, feel differently,

Who look different, whose faith is different, whose family is different,

Whose way to connect is different, whose way to dress is different,

Whose faith is different, whose place to live is different,

Whose sexuality is different, whose gender is different,

Whose culture is different, whose language is different,

Whose favorite foods are different, who loves different smells,

Whose body looks different, or works differently

Whose values and beliefs are different--

Do you see that different is just a word?

May you be freed from its poison.

Different: Just an idea laced with fear,

Don’t let it scare you.

A word expressing lack of imagination by those who use it to judge,

Don’t let it limit your own.

They can’t see that difference is the very essence of life,

The opposite of different isn’t normal; it is death.

Don’t let their sharp thorns kill your true self.

As the school doors open again,

May you walk in safety,

With all of your unique loveliness intact,

Knowing you are loved by people who haven’t even met you yet.

People you see and don’t see,

Your closest friends and family, and people who will never meet you,

All hold you in our hearts.

We need every bit of you as we walk our own different paths.

As the summer days end,

May you find the long days’ bright light

Shining in your mind as you learn.

As you go out on this crazy river, this life

Where you will navigate choppy waters, take new turns,

May you know in your bones you are never alone.

As you search for a place of ease and comfort,

May you know in your cells that it lives within you.

And that people who love you are everywhere smiling.

What the heck?!

How is this even a prayer? It’s not addressed to anyone, and it doesn’t end with “Amen”.

It’s a wish. A very, very, deep wish for someone else.

Throughout the prayer, the words are powerful, yet almost not enough to fully convey the depth. I can

almost hear the aching lack of the ability for words to fully convey the expressions of the soul with the

line “may you know in your bones you are never alone”, and “may you know in your cells” still does not

even quite describe the true depth of the emotion hinted at, but unable to be captured, in this prayer.

A couple of weeks ago, Rev. Jill talked about the stages of religion, and one of them was characterized by  the ability to  pray to a personal god, while intellectually believing one does not exist (I’m paraphrasing of course). I wonder if this is possible because the power of prayer is not the “to whom”, it’s the “from whence”.

So pray to God, pray to Allah, to the flying spaghetti monster, to Mary, to John, Paul, George, or Ringo. I don’t believe they are who you are really praying to. Prayer is the opening of a soul to another. It is the opening of one soul to receive.

So ultimately, what is the power of prayer?

 I believe the power of prayer is hope.

In closing, we offer you this prayer for self from His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

                                             May I become at all times, both now and forever

A protector for those without protection

A guide for those who have lost their way

A ship for those with oceans to cross

A bridge for those with rivers to cross

A sanctuary for those in danger

A lamp for those without light

A place of refuge for those who lack shelter

And a servant to all in need.

May peace be with you.

originally delivered 11.27.2011 at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrence

You've Got to be Carefully Taught

I was watching the news one day- something I rarely do, as I tend to find myself overwhelmed with the glorification of negativity- and I saw video of children as young as toddlers holding signs reading ‘god hates fags’ and “ hooray for war” at funerals, while older children chanted similar slogans alongside their parents.  I’ve seen “onesies” for babies with the words “Stop illegal immigration, defend our borders” emblazed on them, as if these 3 month olds have any idea what message they are sending. The makers at least made it “kid friendly” by placing a drawing of a baby elephant next to it, of course proudly waving the American flag in its trunk.  Tim Dingus (One of the Young Adult Youth here at UFL) has a T-Shirt that I had wanted to borrow from him to wear for this service that states “No one is BORN a bigot”- no, you’ve got to be carefully taught.

Now, we don’t often (if ever) see pictures of UU children holding signs spewing hate, but it occurred to me that the parents I see as hateful are merely passing on their values, what they believe is right; similar to our children standing in front of the courthouse holding signs for war to end or proclaiming peace.  They are there because we have taught them that is what is right. This got me thinking about what the messages are that our children are receiving.

Every year, the department I work for participates in the “Adopt-a-Child” program for Christmas.  One of the children I was shopping for this year asked only for an African American doll.  I went to Wal-Mart thinking that I could just go to the “pink” aisle and find a doll.  There was not a single baby doll (or ANY doll for that matter) there with a skin color other than white.  I asked the nearest worker if they had any African American dolls- he played along and asked “what kind of doll?”  When I answered “ANY!” he quickly responded with “No.  We don’t have any”.  Both of my kids had African American dolls as children, but those were passed down from other older kids, I’d never shopped specifically for one.  I was disappointed with the Lawrence Wal-Mart for this and I wondered how difficult it is for kids who are not white to find dolls that look like them.    Of all the disappointment I felt, I think the most was with myself- because until that moment, I had never noticed that there are not dolls of every color gracing our store shelves.

This past presidential election was momentous and historical, as we are aware, and I was quite glad that the school my kids attend is exposing them to more about the process, as well as information about those running for office; I don’t remember that from when I was a kid- of course it could be that it didn’t matter so much to me then.   The names “Obama, McCain, Clinton, and Palin” were commonly used in our home, our kids were familiar with who these people were, to an extent what their political message was, and why this was such a historical election. As the election drew nearer, my son, Alex, and I were talking one day and- to my horror- he mentioned that he knew it was “not right”, but that he “wouldn’t feel comfortable voting  for a  black man”. His father and I are fairly certain we know where this came from, and I had a brief “discussion” with Alex about how that was not ok…, there was really nothing to discuss, this view is simply not accepted in our house.

Marta Caminero-Santangelo gave a reflection several months ago that has stayed with me ever since- and in fact was a large part of my inspiration for this service.  In that reflection she talked about the commandment “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (this is in fact specifically referred to in the statement of the sources from which we draw our Living Tradition).  Jesus did not teach to “love thy neighbor- unless…..” or “Love thy neighbor if...”, “See what your neighbor is like and love thy neighbor if said neighbor agrees with how you think and live and the executive board approves…” not even “if you don’t like what your neighbor has to say at least be civil”.  There are no “if’s, and’s, or but’s”- the commandment is to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR.   It was, in fact, “written in stone”.

As a formal congregational supporter in the interfaith Immigration Justice Advocacy Movement we have formally pledged that “we stand together in our faith that everyone, regardless of national origin, has basic common rights, including but not limited to:  1- livelihood; 2-family unity; and 3-physical and emotional safety”.  This parallels quite nicely with our first principle of the Inherent worth and dignity of every person.

I once read a quote from Bill Brummel, a documentary filmmaker whose programs focus on human rights issues, on the back of a cup of Starbucks-“ Imagine we are all the same.  Imagine we agree about politics, religion, and morality.  Imagine we like the same types of music, art, food, and coffee.  Imagine we all look alike.  Sound boring?  Differences need not divide us.  Embrace diversity.  Dignity is everyone’s human right.” 

The discussion I had with my son regarding race during the election was pretty clear cut, and I think that since he was merely repeating what he had heard someone say, he saw why I felt there is a problem with this thinking, and he did not express any sort of similar view for the rest of the election season- he began to talk about the things that the candidates believe rather than the physical appearance- I suppose I am actually fortunate about that considering some of the concerns I expressed regarding the ages of the candidates.  What left me speechless, however, was when, on our way to All Soul’s in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago, Alex mentioned in a very casual way that he was “afraid there might be Christians there since it has the word ‘church’ in its name”.

Now, in my strong “anti-religion” days, I am sure I said things that I am not overly proud of now.  Since making the choice to be a Unitarian Universalist, however, I’ve taken the principle that we affirm and support a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning” very seriously.  Everyone has their own Truth, and many paths have been taken to lead those in our UFL community here.  Every Truth is valid, even those Truths with which I do not find personal meaning. 

In the first reading today Diego read the seven principles that we, as member congregations of the UUA, agree to affirm and promote.  When I made the choice to join Unitarian Universalism, it was these principles that drew me to the faith, and I could feel good about my kids being taught these.  No “commandments”, no “Do this, don’t do that” in arcane language that required explanation and years of study to understand; these were pretty clear.  Or so I thought, until you get to number 3 (if you refer to them in the order in which they are printed- no stone tablets here!), about supporting spiritual growth in our congregations.   Talk about vague! How do we do THAT?

As UUs we are open and accepting to all faiths and generally use words like “some people believe…” when we are talking to our children.  It is important to preface or follow these statements with “what I believe…”, Do your children and the children in the UFL community know what you believe?  Do the adults, for that matter?  In our attempt to be tolerant, do we merely skim the surface- or do we make the effort to go beyond tolerance and embrace acceptance by learning about what others believe and why they believe it?  Do our children see this, hear this?  The answer to these questions of course will be different for each of us, but I urge you to consider them.

“Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen)” was an editorial originally published in the Chicago Tribune and later made into a song of sorts.  It begins with the advice to the graduating class of 1997 to “wear sunscreen…  The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. …”  UU’s put a lot of stock in scientific evidence, in proof, but do we put as much in our own meandering experience?    The first listed of the sources from which we draw is “direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder”- do we share with our kids, our direct experience, or do we teach them only what science has proven?

I once saw a Simpsons episode in which the children (Bart and Lisa), and Homer (the “father”[using the term loosely here]) are thrilled about the moment they come home from church because it is the furthest point from “more church”.  They run into the house rejoicing, throwing their ties and jackets and the rest of their “Sunday best” on the floor as they frolic in the happiness of the moment.  The kids are clearly not getting the message about what coming together on Sunday is all about- and of course they are not, because it’s not being sent. Homer is right there with them, celebrating the fact that they now don’t have to behave the way they are expected to at church.

I was talking to friend who grew up Unitarian Universalist, and found out that she didn’t know about the seven principles until came to UFL as an adult.  As UU parents, are we teaching them to our children, or really hoping that’s what the kids are learning in the 9:15 RE?  As adults in the community, are we modeling these principles?

We, as adults, have the responsibility to exemplify the behavior we want the children to emulate; this includes commitment to community. The principles of UU’ism are important enough for many of us to sign a book and agree to join a community; to commit to a community. As UU youth, our children make (or will make) that decision for themselves; they are not automatically members of the UUA just because their parents are.  We need to teach and model for them why we chose this faith. Are the seven principles things that we talk about and live all week, or just on “Just Food” Sundays, or “LINK” Saturdays? How are we supporting others in our UFL community, or our community as a whole, in the search for truth and meaning; are we doing our part to make progress toward a goal of a world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all?   I was discussing the theme for this service with a member and friend who told me, “The point I want the kids to get at UFL is that this is a community and we come together to be as a community - learning, struggling with issues, and supporting each other. You don't just come when you think you will be fulfilled by what someone has to say, but you come together to be enriched by the "being together."

It’s more of a challenge than we admit, to live by the principles and values that we want our children and youth to learn and embrace- perhaps one of the reasons we want so badly for them to learn these things is because we have not yet, or struggle to?  Or perhaps it is because we have embraced them and found them to be powerful in our own lives.

Here’s the good news:   we don’t have to teach children to love or to be accepting- they already “get” it.

In fact, it would probably be more effective for us to unlearn some of OUR habits. You’ve got to be carefully taught- because it is not natural for children to hate.  LOVE is their natural state.  Watch them when the kids serve at LINK, or collect food in front of Hy-Vee- the joy they take in helping is so pure that it radiates from them.  They do not judge the people who need help- it does not occur to them to care how the people got where they are- if they are alcoholic, or gambled away their home, whether  the person asking for a second cookie was laid off or just ‘stopped going’ to work. 

Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin is credited as saying “Kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out”- children naturally see just the opposite- “LOVE them all and let God sort it out”.  It is not our place to judge, and while it seems easy enough to teach our children that they do not have the life experience to judge others, … who are we to?  Do we gossip over coffee?  We obviously have opinions on various aspects of the state of the world- when we discuss them, do we do so with the intention of finding a way to come together and make a difference for the better, or do we express our thoughts as judgments against those who are expressing theirs? 

There I go with the inherent dignity and acceptance of others again.

I once heard the saying, “Ten positive actions can be undone by one negative.”  Parents everywhere can attest to the truth in this statement- the years spent trying to teach children not to say certain words or phrases that they hear on TV or at school can be undone in an instant when you drop the box of books you are moving on your foot and THAT WORD escapes your mouth before you can stop it… 

It is the nature of children to want to be like their parents or other adults in their lives. “Do as I say, not as I do” – we understand the futility of this thinking , yet,  I know I have caught myself saying something similar (though not as obvious!) or thinking it many, many times so far in my short experience with parenthood.

This summer the kids and I were driving home and saw four little kittens just off of the main highway and county road that we take to get to our house. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and the kids that the kittens belonged to a house up the driveway (half a mile long- yeah, right).  Finally, my daughter Bri said “MOM, we have to do the right thing!”  I remember thinking, “yeah, NOW we do!”  Kids will call you on it if you are not living up to the values that you expect from them.  The emperor was wearing no clothes.

Rev. Lisa Swartz, in a recent sermon, referred to the UU ability to ‘boil the mystery and majesty out of any mythic tale.’  Children feel (rather than just think), as do many of the rest of us. Let’s try not to boil the mystery out of life when we interact with kids.  It is also important that we do not speak of those who embrace the magic and mystery of the unknown (or even the known) as though they are somehow less; less intelligent, less cultured, less developed….. less anything.  How do we talk to kids- our own and other’s? Do we speak to them as equal and deserving of our respect, or do we not use ‘big words’ around them, or share anything that could possibly be too deep or emotional?

 “If” is a very powerful word.  It really should be bigger.  When I first was forced to memorize the poem “IF” in Jr. High School, it was presented as a poem of fatherly advice, and I thought of it as such until I was writing for today. (I do still think it is a good poem and the following thoughts have not diminished its meaning to me in the least.)  That being said, it occurred to me that there are a lot of expectations presented there- and heck if I myself can live up to more than a few of them. So if this type of thing is what we are teaching our ‘sons’, are any of them thinking ‘what if I can’t?’, or ‘what if I don’t?’ will that make him less of a man, would that mean that we will love him any less? Of course not, and to a logical adult, this line of thinking is absurd- however this is how many children view the world; developmentally, they do not think in the same way as adults and are only learning to do so.  They worry (sometimes unconsciously, sometimes very consciously) that “if I don’t live up to your expectations/behave in a way in which you want me to, you will no longer love me.”  I remember my son explaining at one time that ‘grown- ups don’t cry’; how difficult it must be for him to be growing up thinking that at some point he will either no longer cry- or will no longer feel anything so deeply that it could cause him to weep.  I made the resolution to myself at that time that I would allow him to see me respond to emotion more often, that I would allow him to know me as a person, rather than just the role of “mom”.

Julia Cameron writes that “We are intended to guide our children, and yet their varying needs guide us through our own maturation.” 

I’ve talked to countless other parents about being a parent, and one common statement I hear is that “you learn SO much from your kids!”  so true.

One of the sages from the Mishna is quoted as: May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi.

The word rabbi loosely translated of course means “great teacher”, and this wish is clearly such that ‘may you follow your teacher so closely that you are always covered in his (her) dust’… or something along those lines.

As UU’s, we tend to think that we should not be covered in anyone’s dust, I mean, if you’re not the lead dog the view never changes, right?

We think that our children are covered in our dust.  They follow us so closely we sometimes cannot even see them unless we turn around quickly.  Someday they will join us (we hope) along the front line, arm and arm, standing for justice, equality, and peace, our superhero capes flapping in the wind, as we boldly look to the future…

Until then, I wish for our community that we may we be covered in the dust of OUR rabbis, the smallest and youngest ones, the greatest teachers.

 May it be So.

My closing words today come from the song “Children will listen” from the musical “into the woods”:

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
…..

What can you say that no matter how slight won't be misunderstood?
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in its head
Things that your mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see

May Peace Be with you.

Originally delivered 12.2008 at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrencce