You've Got to be Carefully Taught

I was watching the news one day- something I rarely do, as I tend to find myself overwhelmed with the glorification of negativity- and I saw video of children as young as toddlers holding signs reading ‘god hates fags’ and “ hooray for war” at funerals, while older children chanted similar slogans alongside their parents.  I’ve seen “onesies” for babies with the words “Stop illegal immigration, defend our borders” emblazed on them, as if these 3 month olds have any idea what message they are sending. The makers at least made it “kid friendly” by placing a drawing of a baby elephant next to it, of course proudly waving the American flag in its trunk.  Tim Dingus (One of the Young Adult Youth here at UFL) has a T-Shirt that I had wanted to borrow from him to wear for this service that states “No one is BORN a bigot”- no, you’ve got to be carefully taught.

Now, we don’t often (if ever) see pictures of UU children holding signs spewing hate, but it occurred to me that the parents I see as hateful are merely passing on their values, what they believe is right; similar to our children standing in front of the courthouse holding signs for war to end or proclaiming peace.  They are there because we have taught them that is what is right. This got me thinking about what the messages are that our children are receiving.

Every year, the department I work for participates in the “Adopt-a-Child” program for Christmas.  One of the children I was shopping for this year asked only for an African American doll.  I went to Wal-Mart thinking that I could just go to the “pink” aisle and find a doll.  There was not a single baby doll (or ANY doll for that matter) there with a skin color other than white.  I asked the nearest worker if they had any African American dolls- he played along and asked “what kind of doll?”  When I answered “ANY!” he quickly responded with “No.  We don’t have any”.  Both of my kids had African American dolls as children, but those were passed down from other older kids, I’d never shopped specifically for one.  I was disappointed with the Lawrence Wal-Mart for this and I wondered how difficult it is for kids who are not white to find dolls that look like them.    Of all the disappointment I felt, I think the most was with myself- because until that moment, I had never noticed that there are not dolls of every color gracing our store shelves.

This past presidential election was momentous and historical, as we are aware, and I was quite glad that the school my kids attend is exposing them to more about the process, as well as information about those running for office; I don’t remember that from when I was a kid- of course it could be that it didn’t matter so much to me then.   The names “Obama, McCain, Clinton, and Palin” were commonly used in our home, our kids were familiar with who these people were, to an extent what their political message was, and why this was such a historical election. As the election drew nearer, my son, Alex, and I were talking one day and- to my horror- he mentioned that he knew it was “not right”, but that he “wouldn’t feel comfortable voting  for a  black man”. His father and I are fairly certain we know where this came from, and I had a brief “discussion” with Alex about how that was not ok…, there was really nothing to discuss, this view is simply not accepted in our house.

Marta Caminero-Santangelo gave a reflection several months ago that has stayed with me ever since- and in fact was a large part of my inspiration for this service.  In that reflection she talked about the commandment “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (this is in fact specifically referred to in the statement of the sources from which we draw our Living Tradition).  Jesus did not teach to “love thy neighbor- unless…..” or “Love thy neighbor if...”, “See what your neighbor is like and love thy neighbor if said neighbor agrees with how you think and live and the executive board approves…” not even “if you don’t like what your neighbor has to say at least be civil”.  There are no “if’s, and’s, or but’s”- the commandment is to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR.   It was, in fact, “written in stone”.

As a formal congregational supporter in the interfaith Immigration Justice Advocacy Movement we have formally pledged that “we stand together in our faith that everyone, regardless of national origin, has basic common rights, including but not limited to:  1- livelihood; 2-family unity; and 3-physical and emotional safety”.  This parallels quite nicely with our first principle of the Inherent worth and dignity of every person.

I once read a quote from Bill Brummel, a documentary filmmaker whose programs focus on human rights issues, on the back of a cup of Starbucks-“ Imagine we are all the same.  Imagine we agree about politics, religion, and morality.  Imagine we like the same types of music, art, food, and coffee.  Imagine we all look alike.  Sound boring?  Differences need not divide us.  Embrace diversity.  Dignity is everyone’s human right.” 

The discussion I had with my son regarding race during the election was pretty clear cut, and I think that since he was merely repeating what he had heard someone say, he saw why I felt there is a problem with this thinking, and he did not express any sort of similar view for the rest of the election season- he began to talk about the things that the candidates believe rather than the physical appearance- I suppose I am actually fortunate about that considering some of the concerns I expressed regarding the ages of the candidates.  What left me speechless, however, was when, on our way to All Soul’s in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago, Alex mentioned in a very casual way that he was “afraid there might be Christians there since it has the word ‘church’ in its name”.

Now, in my strong “anti-religion” days, I am sure I said things that I am not overly proud of now.  Since making the choice to be a Unitarian Universalist, however, I’ve taken the principle that we affirm and support a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning” very seriously.  Everyone has their own Truth, and many paths have been taken to lead those in our UFL community here.  Every Truth is valid, even those Truths with which I do not find personal meaning. 

In the first reading today Diego read the seven principles that we, as member congregations of the UUA, agree to affirm and promote.  When I made the choice to join Unitarian Universalism, it was these principles that drew me to the faith, and I could feel good about my kids being taught these.  No “commandments”, no “Do this, don’t do that” in arcane language that required explanation and years of study to understand; these were pretty clear.  Or so I thought, until you get to number 3 (if you refer to them in the order in which they are printed- no stone tablets here!), about supporting spiritual growth in our congregations.   Talk about vague! How do we do THAT?

As UUs we are open and accepting to all faiths and generally use words like “some people believe…” when we are talking to our children.  It is important to preface or follow these statements with “what I believe…”, Do your children and the children in the UFL community know what you believe?  Do the adults, for that matter?  In our attempt to be tolerant, do we merely skim the surface- or do we make the effort to go beyond tolerance and embrace acceptance by learning about what others believe and why they believe it?  Do our children see this, hear this?  The answer to these questions of course will be different for each of us, but I urge you to consider them.

“Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen)” was an editorial originally published in the Chicago Tribune and later made into a song of sorts.  It begins with the advice to the graduating class of 1997 to “wear sunscreen…  The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. …”  UU’s put a lot of stock in scientific evidence, in proof, but do we put as much in our own meandering experience?    The first listed of the sources from which we draw is “direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder”- do we share with our kids, our direct experience, or do we teach them only what science has proven?

I once saw a Simpsons episode in which the children (Bart and Lisa), and Homer (the “father”[using the term loosely here]) are thrilled about the moment they come home from church because it is the furthest point from “more church”.  They run into the house rejoicing, throwing their ties and jackets and the rest of their “Sunday best” on the floor as they frolic in the happiness of the moment.  The kids are clearly not getting the message about what coming together on Sunday is all about- and of course they are not, because it’s not being sent. Homer is right there with them, celebrating the fact that they now don’t have to behave the way they are expected to at church.

I was talking to friend who grew up Unitarian Universalist, and found out that she didn’t know about the seven principles until came to UFL as an adult.  As UU parents, are we teaching them to our children, or really hoping that’s what the kids are learning in the 9:15 RE?  As adults in the community, are we modeling these principles?

We, as adults, have the responsibility to exemplify the behavior we want the children to emulate; this includes commitment to community. The principles of UU’ism are important enough for many of us to sign a book and agree to join a community; to commit to a community. As UU youth, our children make (or will make) that decision for themselves; they are not automatically members of the UUA just because their parents are.  We need to teach and model for them why we chose this faith. Are the seven principles things that we talk about and live all week, or just on “Just Food” Sundays, or “LINK” Saturdays? How are we supporting others in our UFL community, or our community as a whole, in the search for truth and meaning; are we doing our part to make progress toward a goal of a world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all?   I was discussing the theme for this service with a member and friend who told me, “The point I want the kids to get at UFL is that this is a community and we come together to be as a community - learning, struggling with issues, and supporting each other. You don't just come when you think you will be fulfilled by what someone has to say, but you come together to be enriched by the "being together."

It’s more of a challenge than we admit, to live by the principles and values that we want our children and youth to learn and embrace- perhaps one of the reasons we want so badly for them to learn these things is because we have not yet, or struggle to?  Or perhaps it is because we have embraced them and found them to be powerful in our own lives.

Here’s the good news:   we don’t have to teach children to love or to be accepting- they already “get” it.

In fact, it would probably be more effective for us to unlearn some of OUR habits. You’ve got to be carefully taught- because it is not natural for children to hate.  LOVE is their natural state.  Watch them when the kids serve at LINK, or collect food in front of Hy-Vee- the joy they take in helping is so pure that it radiates from them.  They do not judge the people who need help- it does not occur to them to care how the people got where they are- if they are alcoholic, or gambled away their home, whether  the person asking for a second cookie was laid off or just ‘stopped going’ to work. 

Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin is credited as saying “Kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out”- children naturally see just the opposite- “LOVE them all and let God sort it out”.  It is not our place to judge, and while it seems easy enough to teach our children that they do not have the life experience to judge others, … who are we to?  Do we gossip over coffee?  We obviously have opinions on various aspects of the state of the world- when we discuss them, do we do so with the intention of finding a way to come together and make a difference for the better, or do we express our thoughts as judgments against those who are expressing theirs? 

There I go with the inherent dignity and acceptance of others again.

I once heard the saying, “Ten positive actions can be undone by one negative.”  Parents everywhere can attest to the truth in this statement- the years spent trying to teach children not to say certain words or phrases that they hear on TV or at school can be undone in an instant when you drop the box of books you are moving on your foot and THAT WORD escapes your mouth before you can stop it… 

It is the nature of children to want to be like their parents or other adults in their lives. “Do as I say, not as I do” – we understand the futility of this thinking , yet,  I know I have caught myself saying something similar (though not as obvious!) or thinking it many, many times so far in my short experience with parenthood.

This summer the kids and I were driving home and saw four little kittens just off of the main highway and county road that we take to get to our house. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and the kids that the kittens belonged to a house up the driveway (half a mile long- yeah, right).  Finally, my daughter Bri said “MOM, we have to do the right thing!”  I remember thinking, “yeah, NOW we do!”  Kids will call you on it if you are not living up to the values that you expect from them.  The emperor was wearing no clothes.

Rev. Lisa Swartz, in a recent sermon, referred to the UU ability to ‘boil the mystery and majesty out of any mythic tale.’  Children feel (rather than just think), as do many of the rest of us. Let’s try not to boil the mystery out of life when we interact with kids.  It is also important that we do not speak of those who embrace the magic and mystery of the unknown (or even the known) as though they are somehow less; less intelligent, less cultured, less developed….. less anything.  How do we talk to kids- our own and other’s? Do we speak to them as equal and deserving of our respect, or do we not use ‘big words’ around them, or share anything that could possibly be too deep or emotional?

 “If” is a very powerful word.  It really should be bigger.  When I first was forced to memorize the poem “IF” in Jr. High School, it was presented as a poem of fatherly advice, and I thought of it as such until I was writing for today. (I do still think it is a good poem and the following thoughts have not diminished its meaning to me in the least.)  That being said, it occurred to me that there are a lot of expectations presented there- and heck if I myself can live up to more than a few of them. So if this type of thing is what we are teaching our ‘sons’, are any of them thinking ‘what if I can’t?’, or ‘what if I don’t?’ will that make him less of a man, would that mean that we will love him any less? Of course not, and to a logical adult, this line of thinking is absurd- however this is how many children view the world; developmentally, they do not think in the same way as adults and are only learning to do so.  They worry (sometimes unconsciously, sometimes very consciously) that “if I don’t live up to your expectations/behave in a way in which you want me to, you will no longer love me.”  I remember my son explaining at one time that ‘grown- ups don’t cry’; how difficult it must be for him to be growing up thinking that at some point he will either no longer cry- or will no longer feel anything so deeply that it could cause him to weep.  I made the resolution to myself at that time that I would allow him to see me respond to emotion more often, that I would allow him to know me as a person, rather than just the role of “mom”.

Julia Cameron writes that “We are intended to guide our children, and yet their varying needs guide us through our own maturation.” 

I’ve talked to countless other parents about being a parent, and one common statement I hear is that “you learn SO much from your kids!”  so true.

One of the sages from the Mishna is quoted as: May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi.

The word rabbi loosely translated of course means “great teacher”, and this wish is clearly such that ‘may you follow your teacher so closely that you are always covered in his (her) dust’… or something along those lines.

As UU’s, we tend to think that we should not be covered in anyone’s dust, I mean, if you’re not the lead dog the view never changes, right?

We think that our children are covered in our dust.  They follow us so closely we sometimes cannot even see them unless we turn around quickly.  Someday they will join us (we hope) along the front line, arm and arm, standing for justice, equality, and peace, our superhero capes flapping in the wind, as we boldly look to the future…

Until then, I wish for our community that we may we be covered in the dust of OUR rabbis, the smallest and youngest ones, the greatest teachers.

 May it be So.

My closing words today come from the song “Children will listen” from the musical “into the woods”:

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
…..

What can you say that no matter how slight won't be misunderstood?
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in its head
Things that your mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see

May Peace Be with you.

Originally delivered 12.2008 at the Unitarian Fellowship of Lawrencce